As I lay here beside my little girl I think about what the first 16 months of my life were like… My daughter is 8 months old and already there is such a deep connection. I wonder if I had this connection with my birth mother… If she rocked me to sleep, held me as I cried, sang me songs, watched me as I crawled… The first year is a long one and I wonder if she thinks of me every day, as I think of her…

I have no resentment or bad feelings toward her. She gave me life and the opportunity to live a better life than I’m sure she could provide me. I wonder about her journey, the pain she must have felt knowing that she could no longer take care of me. I wonder if she has the same nose as I do, with the little bump up top, if her eyes match mine and if I have her smile. Perhaps she has my quirky sense of humor too and an inquisitive spirit… I secretly long to see her again…

My story is all too familiar with many Korean adoptees. My adoption papers say that I was left in front of a snack bar at night in a small village 30 minutes outside of Seoul. I was dressed in a woman’s skirt, crying helplessly. I was found by the store’s owner, Mrs. Kim. She called the police and I went to the station. After about an hour a distraught woman came and claimed to be my mother. I cannot begin to imagine what pain she must have been feeling inside. 

They told her they couldn’t release me in her condition and to come the next day with papers. She never came back… They estimated that I was 16 months. Little did I know that 3 months later I would be on my way to America. 

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn’t “abandoned.” But I realized something profound after having my daughters… A mother’s love is so much more than herself. We want the best for our children and the sacrifice my mother gave to me, was an opportunity to live and have a life of hope… There are certain things I may never know, and maybe that’s a good thing… Or maybe one day we will reunite and all will be revealed… God only knows how our stories end but I certainly can’t wait to see what the next chapter brings.

Always speak your truth! Someone out there will listen!

Thoughts • Poetry • Writing

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